Ok so I have to get this out. Lately I've just been feeling frustrated with my overall health, not just my weight.
I warn my readers that this entry is a personal entry meant only to speak about what I'm feeling at this moment about my overall health. I will say a few things may be too much info for some so if you're ok with a little bit of that then please continue, if not then find another blog because I'm opening myself up here. Without doing so I really won't go anywhere.
It's been one thing after another of colds, flus, chest infections, aches and pains, headaches and migraines and sore muscles and stomach and bowel issues. I find that every time I get overheated it's like I have IBS and I have to be glued to the throne. It's not a good thing let me tell you and reminds me of when I was younger and constipated where I had to drink this special herbal tea my mother made me have called Senna tea, of which it was a laxative that assisted over the course of the day and by the time I got home and off the bus from school I'd be running to the washroom in cramping pain just to go. I had to learn to hold it on the bus and learn to try to ignore the excruciating cramps that I had to suffer through all the way home. And to think that no one knew why I would tear up or that I was in that much suffering. Now it's like it's the opposite, I eat certain things that agitates my belly or I get overly heated and it agitates it and in the most inconvenient times! I've also had multiple colds and flus and a chest infection that I had to get a second opinion about to get antibiotics and took me two to three weeks to get over. I have asthma too and so this weather is not helping when I walk.
I've tried lately to stick to walking to work now that the weather is starting to warm up and change but mother nature is not always co-operative here in Canada and so we've had snow, rain, ice, cold, warm etc. on all ends of the spectrum. I'm in Ontario and am thankful we didn't have the storm that hit the east coast this week. But still to have such changing weather is causing all sorts of havoc on my body including pressure headaches and just being sick. It's like it's a breeding ground for germs. Not to mention the mold still in my apartment which right now there isn't much I can do about it sadly.
Now onto my weight issues, as some of you know from my elementary and high school and even college days, once upon a time, I could eat whatever I wanted to without gaining an inch. In fact in college I'd consider myself too thin at the time, seeing my ribs in the mirror and there were a lot of people saying I needed to eat more. But I was more active back then, walking to and from, taking the stairs with a full backpack and laptop on my back and working out with a friend. Back then I weighed a whopping 98lbs when I came home from third year and you'd think that I would have gained the freshmen 15 but it's like I lost it. I only went from a size 6 to a size 8 over the full three years of college and I graduated at the age of 25-26 years old. I am now 31, weigh 183lbs, am a size 18 pant and sit most of the time. It isn't even my eating habits entirely though admittedly I probably eat a little bit more than I did then due to the fact I have money to do so and am on my own. That's a total of 85 lbs gained over the course of 6 years if not actually 4 because I weighed at least 100 at the time of switching careers exactly 4 years and 2 months ago.
This being said a lot of people may not have realized that back then I struggled with image issues. I wanted to stay fit and was proud of it yes but I had acne and still do, I still felt I was too short and wasn't confident in myself. Now I've gained some confidence and can carry myself on the phone and in person well but I know people judge me because of height, I don't wear make up and have acne and I am well... fat or at least I feel fat. Even my boobs droop and feel fat and are resting against my belly which is puffed out and sagging a little and pushing against my lower parts which also feel fat. And as Rosie O'Donnell told Oprah once in an interview, you don't feel sexy, you don't feel sexual at all when you look down and can't see your womanly parts, they become non existent almost. This is how I feel. I feel like every part of me is all puffed up like a puff pastry and though I can make myself look good I'm not healthy. I feel like all the weight is just holding me down. I even have stretch marks on my buttocks and my sides and my belly here and there and my boobs are itchy from dryness, chaffing of my bra and sagging and I can't wear a proper bra without hurting and having a wire hold them up proper and even that digs into me. Having them rest on my belly the way they are even is just.... well it feels horrible.
I feel disgusted when I look in the mirror. I'm not trying to be a hypocrite here, dear readers I know that I've spoke out against body shaming. But even I am not immune to the over amounts of ads and social media and friends and family and people discussing it. Some of my favorite musical artists even are in that realm where they have "gotten rid of the post baby belly" and all this other stuff about working out and how to get those awesome abs and arms and buns etc. and are photoshopped among other things. Some speak out about it and against body shaming but they all work out etc.,they have money, time, training. I have none of that. I have work, bills to pay, stress and worry of what's has to be done and whether or not I have a secure job and if I'm going to hurt myself doing this or that and feel like I have no support sometimes. I feel like if I speak about it it's taboo. Everyone brushes it off and says either "no you're not fat" or "it's just water retention" or "you're so small already". Meanwhile I know that family and others actually think I'm fat because they've said so, to my face thank goodness for some but it all comes back to me.
I look at myself in the mirror and I should be accepting of myself but I'm not. I need a way to not only relearn to accept myself but do something fun and goal oriented that will allow for me to reach my goal of losing weight. I'm not wanting to be 98lbs again, but I would like to lose 58 of those pounds to be at my ideal weight of 125lbs. I'd like to feel that energy I had when I would dance around in my room every night to fun music and not care. I'd like to fit into that size 12 again or even a size 14 would be nice. I don't want to diet and go on an all smoothie diet or an all greens diet or take diet pills. I want to be able to get proper rest and eat whatever I want in moderation without worrying about calories this or calories that. I want to just eat real food. I want to be able to bend over to put my shoes on and not feel like everything in my stomach is being pushed upward and all squished to my chest.
So I'm asking my friends, I'm asking you to help me out in suggestions or even helping to just encourage me and show your support. We all want to be fit and healthy and be able to do stuff. However, I can't do it alone. I've tried. I've tried working out, I've tried being active and eating better but without support or someone to just cheer me on I just feel unmotivated and sad and depressed. I need a cheer team! I need a team of friends and like a mouse with the cheese at the end of the tunnel I need something that I can reward myself with at the end of each marker. An idea I thought of would be that if anyone would like to do some activities together that would be awesome because as a team, though aspiring to maybe a different weight or goal, the ultimate goal is the same, be healthy and have fun doing it.
I thank those that read my posts and look forward to you guys and gals giving me some suggestions. :) Have a good week everyone! (or month! I promise there will be more to come as I've had an accumulation of topics!).
