I do apologize for the delayed writing. My intention was and is to post once every week however, I do suffer from my own illnesses and health issues as well as deal with family members also in which case though I was on vacation 2 weeks ago, there will be otherwise the occasional delays or missed post.
Going forward, my vacation admittedly wasn't as planned though good memories did come about. I had a good time despite my migraines and pressure headaches and achy bones from the poor weather. I admit perhaps though I complained subconsciously too much as some pointed out while I was there. Which leads me to believe that perhaps I need to take a look at that. I didn't think I complained that much but for those that are in pain and or chronic pain or for some who don't know that they really are, they can't help it. I'm a single woman, on my own and with no one to listen to my complaining and I do the majority if not all myself to take care of myself. Unlike some that I know who have someone else there to help them on a regular basis.
I'll even admit that sometimes, because of this, I don't take care of myself the way I should. In fact I don't get enough sleep, my diet is probably poor though I try not to make it so, and I admit I take pain killers almost every day for the pain that I'm in. Is this an issue, yes. In fact so much so that I actually blacked out in the middle of speaking someone while at work on a phone call. I have postponed seeing the doctor clearly too long and so last week I finally did. I stayed home on Monday to not risk another blackout like on Sunday May 26th. I then went to the doctor on Tuesday who sent me for blood work, which I have yet to get the results, on Thursday. This is something that has happened before, I've slurred on calls, caught myself nearly passing out. I lose motor control but nothing else. Going forward then this past Saturday I was also ill with what seemed like a stomach flu or food poisoning. I feel a bit better now but still have the headaches.
After this trip vacation and some, words, being said to me I've also come to realize too that I have a poor self image of myself. I let people walk all over me, I look at myself in the mirror and think poorly of myself. I don't do enough for me. It's not so much how I treat people, it's how I treat myself. I have suffered from self image issues all my life and though some would not like to believe that because in school I was the skinny one, the one that though was short could run and do things others couldn't and could eat a whole several pieces of cheesecake after what I'd consider a very light and tasteless salad while everyone else downed the salad and said they were on a diet, they too were "skinny". I looked in the mirror back then and thought, I'm awkward, too skinny, I didn't want to flaunt that I was a girl because I brought attention to myself with my breasts and with my legs. I wore glasses and looked like a nerdy geek and even right down to what I wore, hand me downs, and what I liked, Star Trek and "guy" things was something of a concern for me. But I didn't try to show it then. I accepted the fact I'd always be picked on and bullied.
No longer that, in fact I wear glasses, accept my geekiness and wear more feminine clothes over the years but I still look at myself as now, too fat. I think I'm ugly, still have acne and can't seem to get passed the fact that now I also have a double chin and at 30 grey hair! But I am still being bullied and still being told that I'm an ugly person in some way or another, though not perhaps intended to hurt some may say but to help, the words, body shaming or even just verbally telling someone you treat people like crap and are selfish and you act like a child or whine or complain too much for their tastes is hurtful when all you've done is help others and give and yes speak my mind that I'm hurting, hungry or feel weak or perhaps that is my inner subconscious voice telling everyone and myself..."Hey I want support! Help!"
Cries for help come in various forms. For animals it might be a whine or meow or even aggressiveness, perhaps for children it is crying, throwing temper tantrums etc. For those with mental illness it's their attempt at suicide, their feeling of helplessness and or distancing themselves from others. There are so many forms. Mine perhaps is that I speak about it, and perhaps too much so for others where others believe one should not complain at all, suck it up buttercup and move along. That's how I was raised, my mother always said to pick myself up, suck it up and that nothing was ever that bad so don't speak about it, even if you were bleeding and cramping and crying in suffering excruciating pain from a menstrual cycle, and some of you probably know exactly what I'm talking about there.
Other people have illnesses too and I accept that, my dad has fibromyalgia as does my Aunt and one of my good friends which causes a lot of chronic pain. Perhaps they don't say they are in pain, but I see their suffering or they do speak about what they have and how they might feel that day. Sometimes I see multiple facebook posts that one friend can't get out of bed to spend time with their child due to it or migraines etc. and that hurts, that is something that is sad and unfortunate but they push through their pain and they make up for it some other way when they are feeling better. I'm not saying that these people complain too much, in fact they complain but to my preferences and how I see it, they have every right to.
So why do I not have a right to complain, someone also who has pain and suffering in a different way? I try to be positive and not so negative as one person told me I was. I did become negative a long time ago after a horrible break up. But again this all goes back to how one treats thyself. I keep telling myself it's time to do more for me, but as a woman, I care too much about others. It's my motherly type instinct and I feel I should care. I want to help. But how can one do so if you can't help yourself right? And I'm not helping myself by saying negative things and doing what those negative people want me to do, shame myself. I shouldn't be shameful of how I look, dress, speak, what I eat, what I like, for being a nerd, for being simply... me.
I'd like take a moment to post this link to a poem that I think people should take the time to at least read if not listen to and I think you should check out the artist's site as well also posted in the link. Also for those losing weight or just trying to encourage others, 10 things not to say to someone losing weight is a very good article to also read. And for good measure and a bit of fun, and because I do support the LBGT movement because I feel all should be considered and treated equal as per similar words stated even by the great Martin Luther King, you should check out this video. (You don't have to dress like what you love ;) ) Love this statement!
Now, I'm going to go off and take some more me time and delve into some nerdiness of Dr. Who and Fringe and some video games. :)
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