Another couple weeks have yet gone by and again I do apologize, life has yet gotten in the way of writing. This time unfortunately it's been the flu and then just admittedly being exhausted for the past couple weeks. I've been trying to eat and rest as much as possible.
I have been thinking though of a bunch of things as of late towards health. Of course eating better is one thing that I have to do, because eating at fast food establishments, as yummy as it is, is not good for me of course. But also working out is difficult. Eating and exercise go hand in hand and you can do one but you have to do the other to keep balance and though I walk every day 40 to 80 min a day it's just not good enough.
So I believe that I should and I've been meaning to, get up at 6 am or 6:30 at the latest and do stretches, Pilates/yoga (on the Wii of course! ;) ) or I have a bunch of belly dance videos I just pulled back out of their hiding places. I used to do it and started really getting into it and now even the outfit I had doesn't quite fit. But I would like to not only fit into that and my other clothes and be at least a size or two smaller than a 16 but I would also like to feel a little bit sexier than I do now. I certainly don't feel like a 30 year old woman who should be out having a good time or dating for that matter. My self esteem really feels shot when I look in the mirror and realize that though I have curves, yes I'm happy with my hips and my butt however, everything else looks bloated double the size they were and like I'm a water balloon. I once, just 5 years ago, had a flat belly and thin arms and shoulders that didn't have budges and could fit into at least a medium instead of now a large or extra large or even sometimes, dependent on brand, extra extra large! Some days I don't even want to look at myself, not even my face where even when I smile I look bloated in my cheeks with now a double chin.
I know I shouldn't feel this way and this comes back to the concept of body shaming. There are things I'm happy with, there are things I can accept however I have to do something about this weight because ultimately it is affecting not just my mental health and view of myself, but also my innards, my knees and ankles, back and shoulders. I have more weight and more pain where my joints are and when eating or even sitting I feel like my stomach is being pushed up into my lungs and sometimes I have acid re-flux when I really shouldn't at all after a small meal or snack.
Now I'm not going to go so far as this one young lady in Germany where she wears corsets to make her waist thinner and thinner. In fact I believe that goes way too far for the hour glass figure and not to mention it's destroying her stomach and back where the doctors say she may not be able to walk let alone stand or do anything without the corset. It may even come to a point where all she'll be able to do is lay there. And despite being told this she continues to go on with this obsession! I'd like my hour glass figure, I already have one and intend on keeping it but I will not go this far it's unnatural!
All I would like is to just flatten my belly a little bit, you know tone it up. Not major abs either, I think that's not entirely natural either but just so that I don't have this bulging belly that hangs out like a muffin top over my jeans or like I'm pregnant and goes as far up as my breasts hitting it. I actually get a crease from my bra! Yes that's right I'm admitting this over the web! I'm sure I'm not the only woman who is going through this out there too, where we look in the mirror and feel this way or even just by the time we get home from work all we want to do is peel off the clothes that try to confine our bodies and what we feel to be flub and ugliness and let it be released because it actually hurts to hold some of it in!
Why do we do this? Because we want to be modest and presentable in the workforce and to the opposite sex and even more so for the same sex where we are constantly being critiqued. Ladies we can't say we haven't all done it, even the nicest person in their heads has critiqued another woman's way of dress in some way. I personally believe that this has gone on from the beginning of time and is human nature but over time we've now made it more so a competition and have set more rules etc. for being "beautiful" and "sexy" due to media components that weren't there 100's of years ago. Though I must admit too that when you think about it , the aristocrats set the beauty standard way back when too in some way that is I guess a form of media without knowing it.
Anyway, by doing belly dance I just might be able to tone it, feel a little bit sexy in my own way because this style of dance is ancient and was used even just among women to celebrate. I'm going to mix this with some stretches etc. and perhaps swap it out on some days for Zumba and other activities. In the end I'll try to record the results every few weeks just to see. I'm hoping I can keep it up as motivation is something that I lack at times.
And that's this week's entry, though I may do another to make up for a lost one. Otherwise have a good week coming up everyone!
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